Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
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He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
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The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
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