I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
