your room smells of hookers.
And success
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
