I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My sheets look like a crime scene.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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