Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
