I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
