good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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