I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
