Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
