he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
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then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
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I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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