I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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