I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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