I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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