u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
