Why are handjobs necessary in class?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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