It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
