I just made out with a guy for $7.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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