you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
