Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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