Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
