I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
