Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
