Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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