just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
