I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
