If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
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Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
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I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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