I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
