I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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