My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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