I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
