i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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