if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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