I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
