She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Woke up backwards on a recliner
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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