all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
