She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.