She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
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I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU