I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
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I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
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I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?