he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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