i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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