Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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