my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
