After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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