I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
