Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
