I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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