today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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