I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
