Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
