At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
