The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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