Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
