Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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