My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
