i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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