I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
