I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
