You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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